Friday, June 17, 2011

Thursday's Problems/Friday's Solutions

WARNING: the mighty, undeniable forces of PMS and a full moon are working against me today.  Read with caution.

I awoke this morning ready for a fight.  I am edgy.  I am crabby.  I am irritable.  I have little tolerance for the world and its people.

Specifically, I am pissed that I donated or threw away the old portable DVD player that we used to use because it was obsolete when we owned the Big Van with built-in DVD player but now that the van is in use by a fancy-schmancy Minnesotan summer camp I need a portable DVD player again.

Also I am mad that eye and ear drops come in identical bottles and when I needed eye drops to relieve minor redness and itching I instead used a remedy for swimmer's ear.  The stinging I experienced when I put drops in the first eye wasn't enough to clue me into the mix-up.  I did both eyes.  Then I spent ten minutes at the sink trying to do some sort of make-shift eye wash operation.

Furthermore, I am frustrated that after two hours of driving around town and going in about a hundred stores I still do not have everything I need from my shopping list.

It bothers me to no end that dogs cannot use flush toilets and that heavy rains disintegrate piles of shit just enough to make them hard to locate and pick up but not enough to totally wash them away.

I am irked by the inconvenient truth that this house has too few decent closets.

I am irritated in advance about what my dad will say when he reads this rant because I know that I created this situation, Mister, and that I should want what I get.

I am indignant about the the way gravity, time, and UV rays have stripped me of my youthful beauty.

I take offense with the pricing practices that make fattening, unhealthy foods cheap and healthful food expensive.

I feel righteously indignant that some teenagers chalked enormous erupting dicks and hairy balls all over our neighborhood.

Ahhhh.  I feel a little better having let that out.  Thanks for listening.


After just 24 hours I feel much more at peace with the world.  By embracing my anger -- letting it ooze out of me and then squeezing-from-the-bottom to get even more intolerance out of my soul -- I allowed the PMS/lunar insanity to flow over me like water over a rock.

Now, having a clear head and more balanced hormones, I present you with my plan of action:

1. Buy a new portable DVD player on sale at Target for $59.
2. Put eye and ear drops in separate baggies with humongous labels on them.
3. Go back out tomorrow and get the rest of the crap on my list.
4. Make kids pick up dog shit more frequently.
5. Get rid of stuff that doesn't fit into existing closets.
6. Ignore blog comments.
7. Stop reading fashion magazines.  Also, stop looking in the mirror.
8. Eat less.
9. After ensuring that it was not my children who drew the genitals on the sidewalks, move on.

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